Sex Question From A Listener: I Can't Orgasm

Sex Question From a Listener:

I am reaching out with a question that my gynecologist can’t seem to answer. I am 24 now and have been having sex (and other things) for over 8 years now. No matter what partner I am with, I have never been able to reach orgasm from any form of sexual touching (fingers, toys, oral, sex, etc). My vibrator is a g-spot vibe. I have used it outside and inside. I will say in general I feel pretty uncomfortable touching myself unless I am really in the mood. It's so much more intimate and I am way more "into it" if I am with a partner. This isn't because I think it's bad/weird/stigma, I just don't get turned on by myself if that makes sense.

I will also say I find it really hard to get pleasure from oral. For me internal or only very specific movements with oral sex work well for me. I feel like I am broken :/ I have tried experimenting with myself but nothing helps. I don’t have pain with sex. I usually feel a ton of pleasure and then get to the point where I feel like I’m about to orgasm and then the pleasure just kind of slowly dissipates. There’s never pain. There’s just never a climax. Eventually my body is just like okay I’m done for now. Is this common? Is there a solution? It is in no way a shortage of me or my long-term boyfriend trying very hard.

Amy from Shameless Sex:

First off, you are not broken. Vulvas can be complicated as all of the anatomy is tucked away and hard to see. Plus many vulvas have experienced a lot of "compliance" or "tolerating", meaning they received touch that didn't feel good but didn't say anything or stop (part of the people pleaser culture that we live in - which is especially strong for women).

All vulvas are different in terms of what the like/don't like, and it can change from day to day and even minute to minute. Some folks have more nerve endings around the g-spot or cervix, and some don't. Most vulva owners have the majority of their genital nerve endings around the labia, vaginal opening and clitoris. But just because nerve endings are condensed like this does not mean that all touch feels good. Sometimes it means that this area is hyper sensitive and easily gets over-stimulated (which can feel uncomfortable). For others it might mean that they can orgasm quickly/easily. There is no much that come into play here. Our thoughts/beliefs based on past experiences, our conditioning, the current stories running through our head, differences in anatomy, and more! As I said before, vulvas can be pretty complicated.

So some more questions for you: When you say "in general I feel pretty uncomfortable touching myself" - what does uncomfortable mean to you? If it physical discomfort? Emotional discomfort? Do you feel resistance? Disconnect? Impatience? Doubt? I am seeing that you don't have shame around it, but I'm curious what is underneath that discomfort.

And before you touch yourself, are you going right for your genitals, or are you taking the time to get your entire body and being relaxed, present, and feelings someone yummy/sensual? I am hearing that not much happens when you are not in the mood, but I'm curious what "in the mood" means to you. Is it super aroused? Horny? Or can in the mood just be "I feel connected to my sensual body"? I think we get too set on the extreme sides of the spectrum. There's not turned on and then there's turned on. But what about the in between? The "I feel connected to my body and I feel relaxed and I feel connected to my genitals and I feel warmth and maybe just a tiny hint of pleasure"?

For the toys, I suggest trying a powerful wand-style vibrator such as the Mystic Wand. The Mystic Wand provides deep rumbling vibrations, and these might work better for your body than a g-spot vibe that quite possibly has more buzzing vibrations (as they are so powerful that they have the ability to rumble your g-spot from external stimulation alone). I'm personally a huge fan of this vibrator, and so are most of my friends :) And our listeners get 15% off of all toys from Pure Pleasure Shop with code SHAMELESSSEX.

For oral sex, what does it feel like then someone orally pleasures you? Is it ticklish? Do you feel squeemish? Discomfort? Pain? Numbness?

Listener’s Response:

So with the uncomfortableness with touching myself. I just feel weird doing it. I don't frown upon other people who masterbate. I think it's totally normal. But I just feel weird touching myself. I am not turned on by myself. I usually only use my toy if I am like so incredibly horny that I am like forget it I just need stimulation and try not to think about the fact that it's just me doing it. I would say disconnect and doubt are there too. It just doesn't feel as good when I do it as when someone else does it, and I imagine that comes from the connection and the being turned on.

Going off that. No I don't necessarily touch other places first. I think that stems from the above. I feel weird touching myself. Just doesn't feel normal to me. I think for me I honestly am a really sexual person. I think about sex a lot, but I think about the activity with another. I don't think oh I just want to be touched so I will do it (not sure if that makes sense). So when I am alone it's like a "omg I am thinking about sex so much and my boyfriend isn't here I need to do something" rather than a "oh im curious about my body." I really only started touching myself alone when someone suggested that that may be why I have never had an orgasm. So I did it because I was so frustrated and was like ok let's see if this works. And I did not feel anything. However, when I am with my boyfriend I am very vocal. I tell him what feels good and what doesn't to make sure he is doing the things that make me feel the most pleasure.

The weirdest part to me is that there is no pain or lack of pleasure. I do feel really good for a long period of time. It definitely has a build. And then it just dissipates and I am like ok I am done. I also want to say that the same happens when I am alone, but more rarely. There have been a couple of times when I have been on my own and gotten "close" but then it just stops and fades.

Again, I appreciate your help more than I can say. This has been something I have been so confused and frustrated about for 8 years. At first, I was like hmm my high school boyfriend maybe just doesnt’ know anything, but then when I tried it on myself and it felt worse/also didnt work... I was like okay it isn't the guy. I have been very lucky that in both of my long term relationships, the men have been extremely attentive and want this for me.

Amy’s Response:

I have a number of theories about what might be going on for you. I'm hearing that you have little problem in experiencing pleasure, arousal and desire. Nor is there a lot of shame around self-pleasure. But there is some sort of internal block/story about you providing pleasure for yourself. The stories in our head (this is weird, I'm not going to orgasm, I shouldn't be doing this) are often the main things that get in the way of pleasure (and orgasm). They take us out of complete presence for the pleasure that is actually happening.

It also sounds like your block and/or the story that it's weird for you to touch yourself might simply be because you are out of practice. You don't have a lot of experience in it, and it sounds like you have a belief that someone else should do it for you. Sex is a practice. So is self-pleasure. And when we are out of practice, things feel wonky/uncomfortable/challenging/weird. The more we practice, the easier or more normalized it gets for our system.

With all of that said, here are my suggestions:

1. Start to notice the thoughts that go through your head when you are touching yourself, as well as when you are intimate with you partner. Get curious about what is running through your head as if you are an observer of your own mind. Take note of them and then come back to focusing in the touch/sensation (finger on clit, warmth, tingling, pulsating, etc) as opposed to the stories about the touch (am I going to orgasm, this is weird, etc). The more you practice this, the easier it will be to stay focused on the touch/sensation (AKA stay in your body instead of in your head).

2. Create a daily self-pleasure practice. Even if it's only 10 minutes a day, commit to self-pleasuring for a minimum of 7 days in a row (although I recommend 2-4 weeks with permission to miss a day here and there). Redefine self-pleasure/masturbation to include your entire body. If you are not in the mood, don't go right for the genitals. Put on some sexy music or light a candle - something that suggests "sexy time", and then close your eyes and let your hands glide all over your body without thinking about where they want to go. Follow the thread of sensation. Where do I feel pleasure? What does my body want? If it wants the genitals to be touched then make your way to the genitals. Get creative and touch them however they want to be touched as opposed to how you think they should be touched. If you are unsure of what your body might like, check out OMGyes.com/shameless (your get $5 off with the /shameless). OMGyes is an awesome research-based online program that show tasteful videos on self-pleasure. Also, keep a journal throughout your self-pleasure practice. Note what worked, what did not, what felt really good, etc.

3. Try to get away from goal-oriented sex and masturbation. We often miss out on the big things (orgasm) because we are not present = we are not noticing the little things (subtle sensation and pleasure). The subtle sensations are often the stepping stones for the bigger ones. But we get in our own way if/when we are focused on the destination (orgasm).

4. Schedule a vulva mapping session or two with a Sexological Bodyworker. There are plenty of Sexological Bodyworkers all over the country/world.. Sexological Bodyworkers are professionals who are trained to help people learn about and heal issues with their sexuality. It is not erotic massage as, again, the sessions are about healing and learning. Listen to episode #102 on our podcast to learn more about this type of work.

One last recommendation: Do you meditate? Meditation helps people learn to stay out of their minds and in their bodies. I recommend taking on a daily meditation practice - even if it's just 10 minutes a day - to start practicing slowing down the mind and coming back to the breath/body. It is likely to carry over into sex.

I hope this helps! As I said, sexuality is complicated...especially when it comes to vulvas! But I don't think you are broken, and I can assure you that plenty of other women have experienced something similar.

Listener’s Response:

Thank you so much. I completely and totally agree with the not being present. I feel like I am always in my head and overthinking it. To the point where sometimes I literally am getting mad at myself for thinking too much. "stop thinking about it." "just enjoy" "relax" thats A HUGE issue for me. I still enjoy sex very much and I really try hard not to make it about the goal (hence not even addressing this problem until 6 years after starting to have sex/intimacy). I try to meditate. I have anxiety/panic disorder, so it’s part of my practice! But it’s not always easy. I’m sure getting out of my head would make things much easier!

It is just good to hear that you think this is possible for me. I am very grateful I don't feel pain with sex but I do feel like being able to one day have an orgasm is something that I want for both me and my partner. It doesn't have to be every time or even every other time, but I just began to assume it was never going to happen for me. Again THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!