Listener Blog Post: How Partner Dancing Can Make You a Better Lover
Struggling to add zest and variety into your life - especially in intimate times? How about just trying to find something fun and new to do with your partner that requires both of you to be committed to the activity. Partner dance can be that and make a huge difference - it did for my wife and me.
Whether your sex life is in a valley and you want to get it to (or back to) it’s peak, it’s generally tolerable and want to have it be truly meaningful and memorable each time, or it’s off-the-charts good and you want to bring another pleasurable way to enjoy intimate time, dancing should go on your list of activities.
I’m referring to a specific type of dance: partner dance. It’s not talking about individual make-up-moves or doing the the floss while at the nightclub. This is true partner dance that one would potentially learn via lessons at a teaching studio. You might even think of Dancing With The Stars and some of the steps they attempt to master on that show, but what I’ll talk about most here (and the concepts apply to most other genres) is Country Dance. Dance names like Two-Step, Country Swing, Country Waltz, Polka, and Line Dance might sound familiar.
Before we get into the details, a quick caveat. No matter your identity (i.e. what body part you “own”), in any dance partnership there is a “leader” and “follower”. The person who fills that role more often than not in the relationship will likely be the leader most times while dancing. For example, my wife and I enjoy a traditional, monogamous relationship between man and woman, penis and vulva owners, respectively. With that, I’m usually the leader at the club (someone has to be...it’s just how partner-dance works), while she’s the follower. However, this is not a rule. Any two people can change role, at any time (a bit like sex in that way - there are many more correlations as you’ll see) as long as they know how to perform that role. More on that later. So, leaders lead, and followers follow for the time you are reading this.
If you don’t think that the dance scene is sexy, and you can’t just take my word for it (I get it - you don’t know me), many of the things that make dancing sexy are what you’ll find make similar inroads in the bedroom: Music; other people; human touch; showing off your outfits; good shoes (if it’s your kink); “moves”; and improvisation (IF you go into your bedroom with your partner with the session completely planned, see Amy ASAP for coaching).
It’s often said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but the dance floor might just be the way to a woman’s. Hillary Scott and Lady Antebellum don’t fret about not getting “taken downtown anymore” for no reason - ladies like to dress up and be seen. If a guy who’s hot on his partner wants to show his lady off, there aren’t many better places than a funky honky-tonk. And, if they really have moves that they can perform together, showing her off - in her much-desirable outfit - is even sexier.
But I don’t dance, have never danced, and based on how I swing a golf club or how I stumbled on the office stairs yesterday, I might not have what it takes for dancing, you say. All valid concerns, but with commitment on the part of both people, you can make progress quickly. The first step is finding a local instructional dance studio where they teach the steps you want to learn. It’s stepping outside your comfort zone, but in the end, it’s SO worth it. Videos help, but in my experience, better to use to add skills later and you’ve gotten the important foundation from a professional. Most of the studios have intro payment plans where you can sample MANY of their classes (each of which amount to a particular step) in a time period. Be careful not to overdo it here as the more steps you dabble in as a beginner, the more confusing it is when going from one to another.
The beauty of country dance (in addition to some of the cowboy/cowgirl outfits you’ll see), is that you can start with very simple steps and progress as you get familiar. For example, the easiest of all is the One-Step. How much easier can it get than to take one step? Kidding, but it’s not much harder. Think walking, to the beat of a 4-count, with a slight “limp” on the 2nd and 4th counts. Add a couple simple turns (meaning the follower spins in either a clockwise or counter-clockwise direction with the aid of the leader) and you can hold your own for a few hours.
One very important thing, however, is to be PATIENT while learning. Without background (high school dances don’t count), it will take a bit of time to feel comfortable, but hang in there. Keep your appointments and attending classes. It also helps speed the learning process is to dance with others - especially at the learning studio when you are starting. If you and your also-beginning partner aren’t doing something right, and it’s foundational, it could hold you back later on, you might not ever recognize it until it’s too late and you have to fix a bad habit. Dancing with others also ups the level of challenge, especially mentally, and a little bit of nervous energy never hurts to embolden the beginning dancer. As it’s often said, “Embrace the challenge.”
So, you’ve had a few lessons and collected a few hot outfits and are ready to hit the club for the first time. Expect to be anxious, again, but embrace it as a team! And for Pete’s sake, have fun and laugh at the mistakes you’ll inevitably make. While it seems that everyone’s watching you, they truly aren’t: The ones dancing are concentrating on dancing, and the ones who are watching are wishing they had the balls to get out there with you. Other quick tips:
Count. Loud enough so you can both hear it and use it for keeping in-synch with each other and getting back in-step when you aren’t
Art by Frank Leonard at frankleonardphotography.com
Stand off-set from each other’s feet so they fit in between your partners. Never stand directly opposite a partners toes
Shoes: Suede-bottom boots or shoes are great, but not necessary. Cowboy boots always work, but can cost hundreds. Doesn’t really matter greatly, but rubber-soles (like basketball or tennis shoes) make it hard to slide on the hardwood. And you need to be able to slide.
Leader starts left foot-forward ALWAYS; follower starts right foot-back ALWAYS
It’s often good to sway, without stepping, in-time to the beat of the song as a way to time the start of actual movement around the floor
Leaders should always take smaller steps than they think they should. Otherwise, followers will struggle to keep-up. Think of Amy’s sex advice - “go slow, then go slower.” So, take small steps, then make them smaller. You can always increase later.
It doesn’t have to be perfect. Close to 100% of the time, you and your partner are the only ones that “know” whether you f-ed up or not. Don’t call attention to it, just keep counting, get back in step, and someone might just think you made up a new move
If you have to stop to get in-sync, stop. It only takes a second and then get on your way again.
One drink usually slays the anxiety of getting out on the floor initially. After a few sessions, you won’t need the liquid bravery.
So now that you’ve been to the studio and learned, then got to the club and got up-close-and-personal with your partner, in public, what happens when you get “home?” Gary Alan says it all in “Nothing On But The Radio” (https://bit.ly/2VJOVc0) when the “black dress hits the floor…” Gets me every time.
Couple tips here then:
Keep the music going in the bedroom - especially if that’s not part of your repertoire to-date. Have a sexy playlist ready-to-go, here’s mine:
Summer Love/Set the Mood - Justin Timberlake
Doin’ It - LL Cool J
When a Man Loves a Woman - Percy Sledge
Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
Nothing On But The Radio - Gary Allan
Gettin’ You Home - Chris Young
She’s Everything - Brad Paisley
We Danced - Brad Paisley
Breathe - Faith Hill
It’s Your Love - Faith Hill/Tim McGraw
Go to Bed Early - Brad Paisley
Your Man - Josh Turner
Must Be Doin’ Somethin’ Right - Billy Currington
Stays in Mexico - Toby Keith
My House - Flo Rida
Hotel Key - Old Dominion
Kiss You All Over - Exile
Discussion: What are your best, play-during-sex songs? Add them in the comments.
If the DJ played anything that really resonated and you really got entangled with each other on the dance floor, find that one and add it.
Work in a role play. The most obvious, “Met at the bar” is a good fit.
Keep sexy outfits on as part of the scene. Brave boot-owners can even choose to keep their ostrich or alligators on for the deed.
Taking part in club dance with your partner is one item definitely on the menu of activities that make one a better lover - especially if one or both of the partnership DO NOT already know how. IF both partners are beginners, even more impactful. It takes effort and patience, but both of those things ALSO translate into better sex, but that’s the subject of another post. You’ll show your partner how much you love them just by having the desire to learn so you can show them off. Many wives say, “My husband would never do that,” and that sentiment probably is greater as people age and become more set in their ways.
Saddle up, get out there and shake your money-maker. Your love life will thank you for it!!
-Jason, Shameless Sex listener and fan
