You've got a fantasy you've never said out loud. Maybe it's spanking, maybe it's role play, maybe it's something you didn't know had a name until you found it online at 2am.
And you have no idea how to bring it up without things getting weird.
Amanda Dames has lived on both sides of that question. She's a former professional dominatrix, a board-certified sexologist and a sex and relationship coach known as The Kink Consultant. She joined Amy Baldwin on the Shameless Sex podcast to talk about mismatched desire, fantasy mapping and how to tell your partner about a kink so they still feel free to say no.
Here's what she shared.
Key takeaways
Before you share a kink, figure out the feeling you want from it (punished, powerless, small, adored). Amanda calls this fantasy mapping.
Tell your partner what you want from the conversation: acting it out, using it as dirty talk, or just letting them know this about you.
Ask permission before you share, and start by asking whether they have fantasies of their own.
Amanda has never seen a relationship end just because someone shared a kink. The more common bad outcome is silence afterward.
If your partner says no to something important to you, you have 4 real options, and grieving the fantasy is one of them.
What being a dominatrix taught Amanda about relationships
Amanda says she was born kinky. She knew she was "oddly into spanking" at age 5 and spent years embarrassed about it.
In her mid-20s she moonlighted as a pro domme while working at the Wall Street Journal during the day. A lot of her clients were 60-year-old men who seemed to have everything Amanda wanted: money, powerful jobs, a good life. And many of them were miserable, because their partner had no idea what they actually craved in bed.
That was her wake-up call. She told herself to stop being so embarrassed about what she wanted, "because in 35 years, you're gonna be that person."
The bigger lesson was how hard it is to change the version of yourself your partner already knows. Early on, people lead with "I'm a lawyer, I'm stable, I'm a good person to marry." "I want to submit in the bedroom" rarely makes the pitch. The longer the relationship runs, the harder it feels to add that chapter.
What is mismatched desire?
Amanda defines mismatched desire as a gap in what partners want from sex. It shows up even in couples where both people want plenty of it.
Often one partner is happy with what she calls vanilla sex: penis-in-vagina, a couple of positions, kissing and maybe some oral as a warm-up. The other wants a lot more buildup. That could be a fantasy they want to act out, role play, being dominant or submissive, or primal play. (If you've ever heard someone say "I just want to be held down," that's primal.)
Amy pointed out that couples with a mismatch tend to think they're uniquely broken, when it's extremely common in long-term relationships. Amanda hears "Can we be fixed?" constantly. Her answer is yes, though it might look different than you expect. Both people's needs also don't have to be met at the exact same time. Sometimes there's give and take.
Fantasy mapping: find the feeling under the kink
This is Amanda's main tool, and it works for any kink, from spanking to chastity to boss and secretary role play.
People are usually great at describing what a fantasy looks like. Ask what about it would feel good, and things go quiet. So Amanda asks how they want to feel while they're acting it out. Punished? Innocent? Caged? Completely powerless?
It can take a couple of sessions to get there.
The partner who says "I don't have any fantasies" usually does, too. Amanda asks what they think about when they masturbate. The first answer is often "I grab my vibrator and I come." Then, after a few more questions, something small turns up, like a man's forearms. That detail works like a key to their arousal, and naming it (plus the feeling behind it) is what makes it possible to talk about.
Part of why this is so hard: we learn about 5 feeling words in school, and even fewer for arousal. Amanda keeps a feelings wheel nearby for clients. She also suggests practicing outside the bedroom. The next time you leave the grocery store or Sephora, notice how you feel. Ignored? Special? Rejected? You've got way less ego riding on a cashier than on your partner, so it's easier practice.
Amanda offers a free worksheet for working through this.
How to tell your partner about a kink
Amy picked giantess fetish as the example. (Amanda had mentioned it earlier. Yes, it's real, and it's more common than you'd think.) Here's Amanda's approach.
1. Know why you're sharing
Do you want your partner to play the role? Bring it into dirty talk without acting it out? Or do you just want them to know this about you? Decide before you start, and tell them.
2. Do your fantasy mapping first
That way you can explain the feeling as well as the scenario.
3. Open lightly and ask permission
Start with "Do you have any fantasies you want to explore?" If they don't, follow with "Do you mind if I share one I'd love to explore, or just tell you about?"
4. Lead with the feeling
Something like: "I'm really into the idea of you being a giantess. I want to pretend I'm really small, because feeling insignificant is exciting to me, even a little arousing. I'd love to explore that with you."
Amanda admits she doesn't fully get what's exciting about giants. She does know what it feels like to feel insignificant, though, and that's the part a partner can connect with.
Amy added a note for whoever is on the receiving end. If it's not your kink, try your best not to shame them. Thank them for sharing, since they told you because they care about you. Their desire says something about them and nothing about whether you're enough.
What if you're scared they'll judge you?
Amanda doesn't sugarcoat this one. Some kinks are tougher to share. Her example is ABDL (adult baby diaper lover), which gets kink-shamed even inside kink communities. Own that going in, without bringing shame into the conversation.
Then get specific about the fear. Are you scared they'll leave? Scared they'll never look at you the same way?
Amanda says she has never spoken to anyone whose relationship ended just because they shared a kink. What she sees far more often is quieter. You share, and it's never brought up again, so it just hangs there. Or your partner says "That's not my thing, please don't bring it up again." That can feel really isolating, so it helps to know it's possible before you start.
She also coaches clients on what to say if a partner starts shaming them in the moment: "It's okay for you to have feelings about this. It's not okay to shame me for my desire, and we can't keep talking if that's where this goes."
What happens when desires stay hidden
They fester. Amanda compares it to being malnourished. Part of you isn't getting fed, and it gets worse over time.
She sees people hide or hint at a kink for 25+ years. Then, often around 50, it hits them that they could go their whole life without it. The urgency kicks up "like 10 notches," and some people get borderline obsessive.
Amy noted it can also leak out as resentment, sometimes in ways that aren't safe. Amanda added that people often end up meeting the need in ways they never wanted, like seeking it outside the relationship. Even her old dominatrix clients didn't really want to be seeing her. They wanted their partner to embrace that side of them.
When your partner says no
Amy's example: you share a threesome fantasy, your partner listens without shaming you, and the answer is still no. And it's really important to you.
First, Amanda suggests the partner who said no explain why, if they're willing. Nobody owes an explanation for a no. If you love the person, a reason helps their brain settle so they stop trying to argue around it.
Then she walks the person who wants it through the fantasy backward. Where is everyone on the bed? How did you meet this person? Does your partner have a relationship with them too? Are you all friends afterward? Once the real details are on the table, people sometimes realize they want the fantasy more than the reality.
If they still want it, it comes down to priority. Amanda says there are really 4 options:
Explore outside the relationship with your partner's consent.
Cheat.
Leave.
Choose none of those, and let yourself grieve the fantasy.
Option 4 is sad, and it's a completely legit choice.
There's often a smaller version, too. For a threesome fantasy, Amy suggested a cam model, interactive porn or role play. Amanda has sent couples to sex parties so the exhibitionist side of them gets to be watched, with no third person in the bed. And if the no is about jealousy, maybe having sex in front of other people works for both of you. As Amanda put it, sex is an open playground for adults.
Curious about sex parties?
Amanda's go-to is the events page on FetLife.com, which she calls "Facebook for kinky people." Quality varies a lot.
Amy's advice is to research the organizers, since the party will be built around their taste and values, and to reach out with questions before you go. Most organizers love hearing from curious first-timers.
And if you're picturing Eyes Wide Shut, Amanda says the real thing tends to be talkative, friendly and funny. Her description: "friendship on a bed."
You also don't need leather, piercings or a dungeon to be kinky. Amanda says you can do it in your own bedroom with no gear at all, just some creativity and a good mind for role play.
Frequently asked questions
What is mismatched desire?
Mismatched desire is when partners want different things from sex, such as one partner being happy with vanilla sex while the other wants role play, power exchange or a specific kink. Sex and relationship coach Amanda Dames says it's very common in long-term relationships and that couples can work toward a middle ground where both people's needs get met.
How do I tell my partner about a kink?
Amanda Dames recommends deciding what you want from the conversation first, asking permission before you share, and explaining the feeling the kink gives you along with what it looks like. Opening by asking whether your partner has fantasies of their own also takes pressure off.
What is fantasy mapping?
Fantasy mapping is Amanda Dames's method for looking past the details of a fantasy to the feeling you want from it, like feeling punished, powerless or small. Naming that feeling makes a kink easier for a partner to understand and connect with.
What if my partner says no to my fantasy?
Amanda Dames says that if the fantasy is truly important to you, you have 4 options: explore outside the relationship with consent, cheat, leave, or grieve the fantasy and stay. Many fantasies also have smaller-scale versions, like role play or a sex party, that both partners might be comfortable with.
Can sharing a kink end a relationship?
Amanda Dames says she has never spoken to anyone whose relationship ended just because they shared a kink. The more common outcome is that the topic gets dropped and never discussed again, which can feel isolating.
Do you need special gear to be kinky?
No. Amanda Dames says you can explore kink in your own bedroom with no implements at all, using creativity and role play.
Work with Amanda Dames
Amanda works with couples where one person is kinky or wants more variety, meeting with each partner separately and then together. She also works with individuals, including people dating after a divorce who know they want kink in their next relationship.
Book a consult: amandadames.com
Instagram: @the_kinkconsultant
Listen: The Kink Consultant Podcast
Free guides mentioned in the episode: Talk to Your Partner About Your Desires and BDSM Checklist / Kink Menu
Listen to the full episode
Hear the whole conversation with Amanda on the Shameless Sex podcast here or on your favorite podcast app
If it helped, leave us a rating. It helps more people find sex-positive sex education.
Want to explore with your partner in person? Learn about our couples retreats. And if you love us (like, REALLY love us), grab a copy of our book.
RELATED EPISODE: #253 Keeping it Hot with Fantasies and Role-play,
