Admit it, you found the Shameless Sex Podcast/Blog/Website because there were two cute ladies in a GREAT picture, topless, and you had to investigate. Maybe this is a new way to add some blood flow to the GENITAL AREA - depending upon how juicy the talk is. You listened to a couple of episodes and you thought these topics could really help you become a better lover. GREAT!!! Because that's what April and Amy are after...they'll answer EVERY question you have on the subject, or they'll find an expert who can.
One thing you'll hear from them though, depending upon the topic, but with consistency is that there's not just one answer to a problem/situation/circumstance. A new sex toy, a classy yet sexy instructional video (such as OMGyes) - those that can be used real-time in intimacy can work, a new position, or even just a new setting can completely change the experience. I'd submit that this means the more resources one has at the ready, in the moment, the better, so fill your sex toy repository as best as you can and USE THEM.
But, to learn more about two-sided pleasure, one resource I found that just might be indispensable is the writing of Drs. Steve and Vera Bodansky. They’ve written several books (see notes below) on the subject of mutual pleasure and extending orgasm for as long as possible - amongst other topics related to maximizing pleasure in sexual engagement. They are both PHd's, but NOT therapists (they must be having too much fun writing books or testing their hypotheses on each other). Instead they call themselves "explorers' (pretty sure they don’t mean the "on the great frontier - outdoors" kind), and "facilitators" (a three/four/more-some with these two sounds like a gaggle of fun) of more intense and pleasurable orgasms. Shoot. I'm in for that. This post will more deeply penetrate the details in Extended Massive Orgasm, or EMO, with some bits sprinkled in from To Bed or Not To Bed. Any advice or tips mentioned are from the Drs. themselves unless otherwise noted.
Let's get to it. You know you want to now.
The most common female orgasm doesn't last long - a few seconds with 9-12 actual muscle contractions for a vulva owner and well, we know what happens for men…it's a bit more, shall we say, visible. Those in the know about multiple or extended orgasm for women, like show friend Susan Bratton, call a normal ones a "pussy sneeze" because they are over so quickly. Steve and Vera show their readers how to make this intense pleasure last MUCH longer. What's most interesting to many about the orgasm, female OR male, is that there is multi-orgasm capability. Yes, it's easier for women, but men can as well, and it requires an understanding that orgasm and ejaculation are actually separate bodily functions. Men can learn to orgasm but internally refrain from actually ejaculating by flexing their pelvic floor muscles. Takes practice though, but the actual real possibility exists.
One LARGE difference, and one that can seem counter-intuitive at first until one feels it this way, between a normal, sneeze/spurt orgasm is that the former involves "tension and release," while EMO is based upon relaxation and in-turn duration. Most humans haven't experienced an orgasm in a relaxed way (I'm most often a tension person), but when you EXPERIENCE one in a relaxed state, it feels like it comes from a different place. The best way to describe it is to say that it originates from deeper inside the human circuitry. And, it's SO much more satisfying. The question then might be, "How do you do it then?" Here's where patience comes in - which can also be a bit counter-intuitive in this situation. If you are self-pleasuring, it's a bit easier to calm oneself and wait while the sensations take-place and the excitement builds. Breathe deeply and slowly - meditatively. Focus on a part of your body that's NOT part of the sensual process. Try to resist the temptation to tense muscles before you go over the edge. If you are with a partner - communicate, preferably before you begin your intimate encounter. Let them know what you are trying to do so you can work together and receive encouragement throughout. At worst case, they need to know in the likely event things feel a bit different from normal to them.
Drs. Bodansky introduce the concept of "peaking," which, without explanation could easily be confused with "edging," so let's take a quick minute to differentiate between the two. When edging, you, or you and your partner, experience pleasure ALMOST to the point of orgasm, but without going over the "edge," but then try to stay at that level. Like balancing on "the metal of the edge of a knife," as Meatloaf iconically said lyrically. The goal is to experience the intensity that's most commonly felt right before "the point of no return" without getting to that point. Edging can go on for a long time and can be ridiculously gratifying.
So, then, what's "peaking?" Think edging but with periodic and strategic back-offs of the stimulation to allow the receiver to come “down” a bit, only to be taken back up toward the orgasm edge again…and again…and again. Steve and Vera discuss how this process leads to more and more pleasure, mainly due to the fact that the intensity builds both with extended time combined with the continuation of indulgence in the sensations being experienced.
If we drew this on a napkin over drinks, graphically plotting level of PLEASURE on a Y (vertical) axis, and TIME on an X (horizontal) axis, edging pleasure would ramp up to a plateau, stay there for a while making the graph resemble a mesa, then drop off precipitously immediately after orgasm. Peaking, conversely, would have peaks-and-valleys (which makes me pretty confident in the reason they chose the name they did), with the height of the highest-points getting ever so closer to orgasm, and the depth of the valleys varying across time as well. Some will say this is just a fancy way to say "teasing," but with appropriate communication and commitment to the process, receivers can experience levels of pleasure they haven't felt before.
For the rest of this post then, I'm going to assume that the giver of pleasure is a heterosexual man, and the receiver is a heterosexual woman. The main reason for this is that it's the only thing that I know, and feel commenting on any other gender or orientation wouldn't be right. Of course, no disrespect at all to any other human or preference is meant, it's just that without direct knowledge of the interaction's particulars, I'd likely be inaccurate…it's hard enough being right when it's your gender and orientation. Apply the techniques referenced here to your situation as best as possible. I'm confident there are many actions that can be applicable in your individual world.
The main components of EMO are:
1. Good light. Not to bright, not to dim.
2. Positions for both "givee" and "giver" that can be sustained for a long time.
3. Understanding of your or your partner's genitals
4. Proper "stroke" technique
5. Attitude - it's not about YOU
Often sexual relations take place in the dark - or as dark as possible. If you haven't tried some light, it's time you do. One thing you can try is a red-colored light bulb (called party bulbs in home improvement circles) in your bedside lamp. Red is sexy - red light is sexie! One caution - if you write these instructions in red pen - you won't be able to see them. With the light on-the-subject (your partner's vulva), you are free to explore it while being able see what you are doing. While this might be a bit awkward at first, just remember that you don't try to fix your car or install red lightbulbs without, well, light. Let her know you want to know her deeply.
So, the best position? Susan Bratton to the rescue (again). Susan's the Queen of helping people become better lovers. And, the operative word for this position is "pillows" - lots of pillows. If you aren't using at least half-a-dozen of them when you "do" her, give Mike Lindell a buzz and get a few My Pillows - you'll sleep better (no endorsement intended) too. It's a six-point pillow positioning placement plan (p's intended). Pillow 1 - behind her head; Pillow's 2 & 3 - prop up her shoulders; Pillow 4 - under her bottom (so make this one the most comfortable; Pillow's 5 & 6 - one under each knee so she can relax and open her vulva to the sensations provided by the giver. And, as an excellent aside, this pillow arrangement works very well for a pussy-eating session.
Now, it's appropriate to refer to something that our lovelies (Amy & April) have talked about before - vulva mapping. Since the giver here doesn't participate in the mapping session, it's incumbent on the givee in the first few EMO sessions to relate the map to the giver. Again, since we are talking about men (penis owners - however you refer to us)…we LOVE maps! How many times have you seen a man poring over a map for an extended period of time, after the real work of finding whatever information that was needed was done. I've gotten lost in maps for hours. To have their lovers Erogenous, Pleasure, or even Orgasm Map!! This is all night passion kind of stuff. So, get the map, and give it to him.
The Stroke? Steve says the best way is to use two hands: One hand hooks the bottom of the vaginal entrance with the fingers extending to the buttocks of the givee. This is really for stability and, for lack of a better term, a good grip of her entire genital area. Then the other hand comes from the top then and the thumb pulls the hood of the clitoris back (make sure you know clitoral anatomy – the books help as will your vulva-enlightened partner) to expose the glans of the clitoris which the fingers then rub. So here, you know, Amy and April would suggest lube, and of course, Uberlube will make this a fantastic experience. Steve then advises the giver to use a “pinching motion – like picking up a bill from a bar” and at the upper left corner (as one faces the clitoris straight on) of the clitoral head. As the excitement builds, the gripper hand comes into play to help hold the now-engorged and squirming givee a bit more in-place so as to continue the giving. Take her up to the edge and before going over, back off a bit, and do it again as many times as she can stand. Then do more. The more peaks, the better the orgasm.
Now for attitude. This is pretty simple. It’s not about you right now. So, mind the orgasm gap, and give yourself to making her pussy and clitoris sing…to her and to you. If you are really nice, MAYBE she’ll do you later on, but don’t worry about that until then. And, if it’s just her some nights, she’ll melt in your arms.
Written by Jason, our wonderful Shameless Sex Blog contributor