In Shameless' episode #53 Negotiating Sex, the Shameless Ladies make a loaded topic (like the word “sex” doesn’t allude to anything deeply personal in the first place) seem somewhat easy to resolve. I’m here to say that it’s not that simple. It’s the subject of many podcasts, articles, studies, and my guess, potentially the basis for many couples to call discount divorce lawyers after only 6 years of marriage.
It’s been said that God played his cruelest joke on humanity when he created the male and female entities and made them completely opposite of each other, and shortly thereafter caused them to be attracted to each other - whether the forbidden fruit got eaten or not. C’mon. Not even the most crazed novelist would make something up as cruel as that. Then, it gets even stranger because the couple often brings children into the relationship. While, on the surface, this, an offspring of one’s own flesh-and-blood, seems like a fantastic addition to the union, it often, even in the strongest of marriages, cause significant consternation. It's not for lack of love and caring, it's the simple fact that there's a lot more to worry about…like when to have sex so without them knowing, for example. Imagine the horror that Little Johnny asks his teacher about the thumping he heard coming from his parents’ bedroom the night before.
It might just be fact that many sex-timing issues don’t show up until urchins are born. These creatures are in and of themselves one of humanity’s greatest treasures (especially if you are a grandparent or babysitter, because you don’t have to regularly put the ankle-biters to bed), but when the subject of sexual regularity is the topic, kids often completely take the leaves off the tree…so-to-speak. This whole notion of negotiation doesn’t compute in the world of "infant." A couple can have the most grandiose of plans (as April and Amy so aptly recommend to alleviate differences in desire or schedule challenges) for an intimate encounter, but if Little Sally loads up the on-board pooper-scooper, there’s an immediate problem in Houston – penile erection present or not. And here’s another cruel twist: the further the couple is along the path of arousal, the harder (no pun intended) it is to get the party started again. If you were still clothed, there’s a chance. If, however, there was nakedness, lube, and appropriate electronics already involved, it's probably over. I (better said “we”) have tried to return to the bookmark, but it's just not the same, and that just leads to awkwardness. Some things that get interrupted are salvageable, but past-3rd-base-sex is not. In my humblest of experienced opinions.
What I'm poking fun at here is the recommendation from many sex advisers, April and Amy included, that a couple plan for their encounters so that they don't get so easily blown off in lieu of any trivial activity suddenly deemed to be more important, like getting the house ready for visitors - next week, the yearly deep-cleaning of the toilet bowls and surrounding area (with the added embarrassment that the "surrounding area" filth is never created by anyone other than a penis-owner), an oft-neglected workout (but, Honey, you know that sex burns calories too right?), or the dreaded and proverbial headache. With children, planning often just isn't an option, unless the plan is to be in a different state or country than they are.
So, that's an option: "Plan" to have them out of the picture. The challenge here, though, is that for the mother of the children, it's often difficult to un-plug from that role and be completely present to enjoy the activities. So, by all means if you are gone for 2 hours, and she wants to call and check, good God, let her call. Because if she calls, there's a chance for lovemaking, if she doesn't, forget it. She'll be with the children - mentally. No vulva gets anywhere close to happy when the owner's mind is elsewhere, no matter how skilled the partner is. Experience speaks here, embarrassingly, again.
Is there a potential every-day solution to this conundrum though? I think there might be and it happens to come from the immense wisdom of one David Deida, who is "acknowledged as one of the most insightful and provocative spiritual teachers of our time, a best-selling author who continues to revolutionize the way that men and women grow spiritually and sexually." If you haven't read, heard, or seen any of his outstanding views on sex, spirituality and relationship life in general, you are missing ideas that could very well transform your intimate relationship, other relationships, and just maybe make your entire life work that much more smoothly.
Glowing, I know, but wait until you hear some of the more prominent ideas - I think you'll agree. Let's start with one of the more basic: the idea of that there are two entities that exist, that of the feminine and masculine (regardless of what bits people are packing). In any intimate relationship, and in order for that intimacy to be formidable, intense, and well, hot, polarity between these two entities is NECESSARY. Deida argues that there can be a balanced approach to relationship, but while that might breed ease and comfort, it likely will lead to a massively boring relationship. Boring is for PTA meetings or an Adam Sandler movie…not for sex or relationships. He believes that the differences between the masculine and feminine sides of each person (don’t miss the twist there – nobody is 100% masculine or feminine AND females aren’t always feminine and males aren’t always masculine), when they emphasize those things within themselves and between the two (i.e. the woman teases her man by telling him she's not wearing any panties when they go on a dinner date and the man makes sure they get there safely, escorts her and tells her she's beautiful), the polarity brings them closer. So, based upon Deida's arguments, opposites, like magnets, maybe do attract.
But, we haven't addressed the fact that there's a difference in libido level or desire between the two in a relationship. Often, it's the masculine that's perennially ready to get it on, but that's not always the case. Deida argues that the DIFFERENCE is a good thing. Okay…What did you just say? The guy, Deida, has got to be crazy, or at least is completely jaded because he's getting some all the time and doesn't have to argue with his "woman" as he calls them for any intimate time. Regardless, there seems to be some merit to the argument. How much fun would it be if both people wanted to get busy all the time, or none of the time? I once had a girlfriend in college who was insatiable, and after a bit, it became boring. But, I digress.
His solution then is for the masculine to take ownership of sex, and resist all temptation to back down. This doesn't mean to take from the feminine, but rather to ravish her and drench her in the most love and sexual blessing and move (potentially blast) through the excuses and feeble reasons for not wanting to participate - on both ends. Deep down, the feminine truly wants to be taken in a loving and ravishing way, and it's up to the masculine to master the ways to make that happen.
Here's some ideas:
Flaunt and emphasize what you are - masculine or feminine. Make sure your partner knows, in no uncertain terms, what you are:
Get Deida’s books or videos.
Take the feminine dancing. If you need lessons, get them. This is very masculine, even though it might not seem like it. Try it…you'll feel very "manly."
Listen weekly to Shameless Sex and any others that are out there. There’s no shortage of ideas - only not making the effort holds one back.
Go lingerie shopping together, but the masculine needs to do a little research beforehand, because the more it participates, the sexier it is. The not-so-masculine (AKA supportive/caring) man goes along and sits on the man-chair while the woman shops, with a guttural grunt from time-to-time to show he's "paying attention," when all he's really doing is just enough so he won't get slapped for doing nothing. If you help find her best-fit bra size and know it, and offer suggestions to her that work in your preferences along with hers, you'll be a hero. And, sometimes even the store associates notice that you've done your homework. If that happens, watch out! That evening's activities might just be something other than the normal 3 hours of TV before bed.
Take a good amount of time to set up your bedroom (or whatever serves as your amorous venue) for future times. Some things I did:
Changed bedside lamp bulbs to red. One on creates the perfect amount of light for "light-on" sex and either yoni or lingham massages.
Added a set of red LED Christmas lights under the edge of the bed-frame to create a more subtle red cast when the brighter lights are off. Since doing this, we haven't had a session without them. It creates a great mood.
Try massage oil candles. Instead of wax, the medium in the candle is massage oil and when melted by the candle, the oil is warm!! Another way: Put the whole candle in a small crock pot of warm water to melt the oil. Many different scents are available and they make the room smell great. A future post will talk about the value of scent to the passion in a session.
Create a "toy box" that's easily accessible during sex. For us, it's a bedside drawer. Uberlube is on top, but everything else is in this drawer so we can get to it easily.
If you don't have a play-list that includes the sexiest of songs - use mine (https://www.shamelesssex.com/blog/2019/5/28/how-partner-dancing-can-make-you-a-better-lover)
I'll leave you with this, and it just might be the most important thing you can do in Negotiating Sex. Try this conversation the next time you want to get busy, but your partner doesn't: "Sweetheart/Babe/Honey/I really, really want to be intimate with you tonight/now. I'm not exactly sure what that means because my brain is just so locked in on seeing you naked, but that also means it's really hard for me to accept that you really aren't interested tonight. There's gonna be a billion (I hope) other times we’ll have the opportunity, so if now's not doing it for you, let's go to sleep. Sweet dreams." If you are on the receiving end of this loving, selfless conversation, the BEST thing you can do for your partner is to validate their feelings and, bottom line, DON'T MAKE THEM FEEL REJECTED. I know sometimes the masculine will seem like it's able to blow through well, any blow, because it's perceived to be driven by a feeling-less anatomy, but I'm here to tell you it's not the case. Masculine's have feelings too.
Worst case, go masturbate in the closet after your loved one goes to sleep - no negotiation needed.
- Jason, Shameless Sex listener and blog contributor